Benching: The New Game Theory of Dating - Tinder Talk

Benching is one of the games people play in dating. This is a by-product of our outdated social system and institution of marriage, which leaves a good number of people as a victim. In the case of benching, you are not committed to the other person, but you only keep them at your back radar. Instead of leaving or bailing out on them, you’ve just completely lost interest in them. Often, the person who benches keeps their options open because they see some potentials in you, but they find it difficult to commit. Learn here more about this new dating term that is thriving with growing smart phone users.

What is Benching (Dating)?

Benching is some sort of cycling relationship. It is different from traditional dating, with benching, there is no communication cut off, but the person keeps revolving around you. Because they feel like there may be someone better for but they don’t want to let you go either. Therefore, they just keep you in the circle or in the line of getting potential interest. This kind of situation leaves the benchee confused about what the bencher feels for them.

In benching, you don’t get to the point of full-blown dating where you get to go on dates or share special moments. You only get strung along with little attention from WhatsApp or any other Messenger texts / calls, witty messages, forwards and few promises that would typically end with excuses.

There is only hope for things to get better, but in the real sense, benching is not an ideal relationship, but an experiment towards kind of open relationship. Most people engage in benching to keep their options open. It’s possible that they like the benchee, but they do not like them enough to commit to them. In most cases, it is possible that they are attracted to a particular trait in them, but they can’t give in to total submission. A person can get benched by someone they care about if they act too vulnerable. The other person may just try to play their part by pitying them. In this case, the benching relationship is based on pity.

A benchee is usually used as a backup or as a cure to boredom. When the bencher feels that they need someone new to talk to or vibe with, then they remember you. And when they need someone to amuse them or act as a plus one, they have you right there.

It’s a terrible feeling on the path of the benchee because you are never sure if the other person likes you or if they are just not so into you. They act great with you sometimes and then other times the long silence. Sometimes, you may feel that you are in a one-sided relationship. You always have a feeling of uncertainty and frustration. And if you have low self-esteem, then you may not want to communicate about it with the other person.

How do you know that you’re being benched?

If you are with someone who shows no interest and isn’t concerned about you; then you are being benched. Following are some of the signs that you are being benched by the one you think you are in a relationship with;

#1Your messages are unromantic but more of interesting chats and random discussions. Your bencher never gets to engage in romantic conversations with you. It’s possible that you get romantic when you meet up, but it never happens over a chat. You may have a romantic spark on them in person but never over a chat. For a bencher, out of sight is out of mind.

#2: When you are being benched, the bencher doesn’t care to know the deep things you have within you or about you. They only text you witty messages. Ask about your day which they do not genuinely care about. They just want to hear you say that you are fine.

#3: They don’t make an effort to see you in person. If a person is interested in you, they will always want to have you around.

#4: They never keep to the plan. And this happens because you are not on their mind. You don’t pop on their mind, so they easily forget plans made with you.

#5: They contact you when they want casual meetup or encounter. Your bencher may call you out for a late night out or to stop by at their house on one of those they days they feel like getting touchy. After that, you both go back to the epileptic routine of communication. Nothing’s changed. Learn more on how to spot someone who wants you for that one reason.

#6: Traditionally, you shouldn’t get to busy for a person you truly love. But, here they are always busy. Let’s assume you are going to be busy for the day, how difficult it is to inform them with a text message. You are just not important to your bencher, so you are not on their priority list.

What you should do when you are benched?

Having a benching dating is one of the worst moment in the dating journey thrived by evolution of real time social media. Here are a few ways that can help you to go through it.

1. It’s high time you face reality: Love is a visible action, the level of this visibility you should bring in to confession. Confess it to yourself that this person truly love you or not. There is a great power in confession. And it will help you snap out of your fantasy of being with her or him.

2. Clear Communication: Effective communication is vital in every aspect of life. Tell them how you feel about their actions. And ask your bencher how they think of you. If they don’t have anything meaningful to say (bencher don’t have any meaningful excuse 90 % of the time), choose to walk away.

3. Don’t Chase: Truth is when you chase a person; they keep running from you. Anyone that wants to be in your life will stay willingly without you having to chase them with calls or messages. If you chase your bencher, they will get irritated.

4. Recognise Yourself: How come you can’t open your eyes to this reality. Work on yourself. Practice self-love and build your self-esteem and win yourself a great lover.

This is my first write-up in the series of Tinder Talk. Find more contents on relationship at 

Sudesh Kumar